The Waterfall

**I wrote this over 5 weeks ago, the day before I started to feel ill. I feel comfortable sharing it today.

I visited one of my favorite spots this evening. It was called to it.

I've been feeling stretched too thin...self-induced.

But I feel a shift. As the weather changes, so do I.

Before I could see the waterfall, I could hear it. Roaring, fast, and full.

It's overflowing.

I know now why I was called here. To put my feet in the cool water. To cleanse my mind. My body. My spirit. To help me move through the emotions I've been holding on to.

I created this stress. And I don't always allow myself the opportunity to move it through. I tell myself I can do anything because I am capable of putting my head down and giving it my all. I tend to spread myself too thin. I convince myself this is what's required of me.

At this spot, I feel safe to feel my feelings. I put my feet in a safe spot so I don't topple over. I'm afraid to get too close to the waterfall. What if I fall in? I'm afraid of being here by myself.

The thing is, I'm always afraid. Afraid of making a mistake, afraid of upsetting someone, afraid of being judged.

But fear doesn't stop it from happening. I still make mistakes. I still upset people. I'm still judged.

The funny thing about being judged...you could easily judge me by what I post online, my body, my hair, and my past mistakes. Many who judge just see the exterior, just scratching the surface. They don't see my heart and soul.

I've struggled with this since I was little. But I'm working on moving past it. Being a self-proclaimed people pleaser continues to bring me grief. I don't always say or do the "right thing" or in the "right way". I don't always look or act the way others expect.

And perhaps I've created this high expectation of self that is impossible to maintain.

This water is therapy. I feel better being here. I'm getting to know me. I'm re-evaluating what I value - kindness and authenticity.

Sitting on the banks, I feel like a chicken shit. Maybe I will push through this fear, and take the risk of falling in.

But I'm still afraid. How deep is it? What if I get hurt?

So, maybe not tonight. Maybe during calmer waters. Here's where I feel more at home and peace.

Raging waters are not my thing. I look for safety, all the time. I analyze consequences and determine the safest route.

Today I will wade. Tomorrow, I will try again.

Then I realize there was another option. I can rise above, and get to higher ground. Maybe you would choose to challenge the waters. I'm choosing my path.

This says a lot about me. I don't laugh in the face of danger. Danger is not my middle name.

I consistently take a different perspective. One of observing. I witness the chaos, I feel the chaos and I choose not the join.

This is a snippet of who I am, and what I'm willing to share today. Baby steps.

I know I carry value in the world for some but not for all. I realize my mission is not to make others happy. My mission is to continue to grow in my authenticity, create my own harmony, be my eclectic self that sometimes scares people away, and have deep thoughts that some people may think are crazy.

Your interpretation of my words is a reflection of you. Not me. I'm here to show you that. To disrupt your thought pattern. Think bigger. BE the change. Harmonize and RISE.

I'm proud of myself. I've worked hard to get to this point. It's been ugly, but necessary. I feel less afraid now. Less jumpy. I don't feel threatened anymore. I'm seeing things clearer. My steps feel relaxed, lighter, and calmer.

On my way home, I see a man fishing. He doesn't notice me, lost in his thoughts just as I have been. Perhaps he's also processing, cleansing, and releasing emotions as well.

It's happening. I'm committed to making more of an effort to process and move through my emotions.

Catch and release.